Role Models (of Sorts)

So this morning, I thought I'd contemplate my origins as pirate and discuss what lead me to a life of wanton destruction, drinking, and otherwise illegal activities... in Ireland.

As a child, I was always and adventurous little bitch.  I liked to climb trees, put worms in the girl scouts' snack, and hit catchers over the heads with baseball bats because they said I hit like a girl (which of course I did, a very powerful, well-aimed girl).  But this is just regular Tom-boy-foolery. What stopped me from growing up into a proper young lady?

The answer of course is role models.

This is, of course, the dream

Now you all know that my primary hero/God/obsession is Rufus Wainwright.  So what is he's not actually a pirate... He sings... songs and has an open shirt and lots of vices...

But he's so pissed at the world!  Doesn't that make him a pirate!

Alright fine... real pirates.


My earliest role model was Robert Louis Stevenson.  R.L.S. is of course the author of Treasure Island along with Kidnapped and The Strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  All stories about little boys getting into trouble.  He would have looked like this if Gonzo had been narrating Muppet Treasure Island:

With Rizzo the Rat providing snarky feedback

Unfortunately, Gonzo was cabin boy in Muppet Treasure Island... Don't you know anything about pirate classics?  So this is what R.L.S. actually looked like:

Happy face

Not happy face

He would have been a great pirate.











It occurs to me that I actually don't know anything about R.L.S. except that he was Scottish which was unexpected and his middle name is Louis and not Lewis.  That's not really much of a role model, if you don't know anything about them.

Therefore clearly the first hero I based my life around was his character, Long John Silver.

Isn't he dashing?

Long John Silver began his life as a simple dandy somewhere in the 1930's.

He entered into a life a crime at an early age was arrested several times.  He was not driven into piracy however until he encounters a disgustingly optimistic orphan girl and his adopted father (a terrifying and imposing billionaire) drove him out of town.

Silver is incredibly successful as a pirate (except for the missing leg bit) and lives happily on the sea for the rest of his days.

What do you mean, check my sources?  Long John Silver had a parrot what more do you need to live happily on the sea for the rest of your days?

At least, I think it was a parrot...

Oh, right... the rest of the story...

Silver once again must face up to villainous children, another orphan just as sickeningly hopeful.  The kid... basically ruins all his great plans to take over the ship and kill everyone and Long John only makes off with a part of the treasure.

Happy ending!

Alright, you got me... I'll tell you all I know.  After his encounter with Jim Hawkins, Silver became obsessed with defeating children.  This eventually lead to his lose of sanity and his acceptance of the counter clown culture...

Where he continued for many, many years an uninterrupted reign of terror on innocent children.  The mini-series, as we all know, it silly and Part II is a lie.  After his defeat at the hands of the children, Silver reconsidered his life choices and settled down with his fortune and discovered his true self.

As fabulous and terrifying as it is.











Alright, so maybe Long John Silver isn't the best role model...

What about other famous pirates?

Capt. Hook, for example.

 Capt. James Hook had an illustrious career as a pirate doing.... um nothing.  He actually never gets treasure or attacks a ship.  I kidnaps a faerie once but... she's a slut and doesn't count.
Also he loses to a - how old is Peter Pan?  Like eight maybe ten?
 Also... there's this....

Suicidal men with long curling hair who are defeated by children... not a good role model.  What was I thinking all those years I walked around curling my mustache around a fork... sheesh.

Well, everyone's hero.  Capt. Jack Sparrow is surely a good wholesome role model.  Right?

Look at that face.  You can trust him to be... a pirate

Wrong.

Also, he sold out to apple.


Damn it, Jack!

If you have just been patient, you're ship would have come in.  There was no need to whore your beautiful face and hand out...

It hurts, Jackie... so much....



Clearly this leaves only one good pirate role model

Steve the Pirate.

For those of you unfamiliar with Steve the Pirate, he is the courageous soul who believes he is a pirate and lives true to our code in the rush and judgment of our modern society.  The tragic hero at the center of the deep and inspiring drama Dodgeball, Steve's quest for booty should inspire us all.

Even though his ultimately looses his unique sense of style (and gorgeous flowing flocks), Steve can teach us all something important about ourselves as pirates in the modern world and that is...

go incognito?
lose the accent?
learn how to take milkshakes to the face with grace and dignity?

Hey but at least when he cuts his hair he still gets to be on a pirate ship... in space.

Alright, I'm running into problems here.  I need someone who can epitomize the pirate ideal and damn it, Neil Gaiman doesn't ever wear flouncy shirts.


How about lady pirates?  One of them has to be a good role model.

Okay... maybe "has to be" and "good" are strong words to use...

Well, I guess that's it then... I'm damned to a life marked by warring with children and losing battles with the man.  I will learn to speak without 'arrrrrs' and wear closed collar shirts, and I will take out my gold hoop....

But not today!

I'm either telling a story about a really big sandwich or coming to eat the camera...I was too drunk to remember.