So my Halloween prep has kind of been thrown to the curb this year. Normally, with the ghost tour and working for peanuts (and occasionally donuts) at O.C. Rep usually keeps me pretty much in the loop of Halloween.
So this year, in the country that fricken' started Halloween, I forgot all about it.
No dressing up. No parties. I haven't even gorged on the cheap candy yet.
I forgot about trick-or-treaters.
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So here's my Halloween prep in a nutshell.
Beginning of October:
Mad Jack: I can't wait for Halloween this year! We're gonna hand out candy to all the kids and it will be good candy. None of that chalky crap.
Capt: Doesn't Laramie Project go up over Halloween?
Mad Jack: Nooooo! The only delight I can bring children outside of the summer has been snatched from me by the hands of cruel, cruel fate! What will sustain me! How will I live! (I may have embellished that reaction...)
About a week ago:
See Misery. The stage adaptation of Stephen King's book. Die of boredom because for Christ's Sake if you're going to adapt a movie into a stage play, don't attack it from a Realism perceptive. THE MOVIE WILL WIN.
About five days ago:
While grocery shopping
Voice in my head one: I should get Halloween candy for all the adorable kids in the neighborhood.
Voice 2: Yeah, but not that crappy stuff.
Voice 1: Yeah. Like Twix and Skittles and shit.
2: Oh yeah. Sounds good. Chocolate covered cookie thing and candy-coated um...skittle stuff.
*reaches for bag*
Voice 3: Wait! It will never last. You and Mad Jack will eat that shit like it's the day after Halloween and your six. Wait until it gets closer.
Voice 1 and 2: Oh... okay.
Voice 3: Now go buy some healthy carrots to snack on.
Voice 1 and 2 grumble.
Yesterday:
Random friend: Hey Halloween party tomorrow?
Mad Jack: I can't go. I'm in a play.
Random Friend: Oh, which one?
Mad Jack: Laramie Project. It's a comedy about this gay guy in Wyoming who gets beaten and is left to die tied to a fence.
Random Friend:...
Capt.: It's not going very well. I'm going to stay at home and pass out candy to the kids! It's my first time and I'm so excited to bring delight and happiness to demanding children. I won't feel awkward at all! ( my excitement may be embellished.)
Today, Halloween, around 3 am:
Capt: shit! I forgot to buy candy for the kids. Oh well, I can do it tomorrow. Hey Mad Jack. It's about time you got home. How was the show.
*Mad Jack begins to cry and throws himself on the bed, trembling with frustration.*
Capt: There there. There there... Call your Dad. He's comforting.
Today, Halloween, around 1 pm
Mad Jack: I don't wanna get up.
Capt: Me neither.
Today, Halloween, around 2 pm:
Capt: Alright, time to start my day because I'm a lazy sack o'shit. I have to go to the store and get candy... but first, let me check my e-mail, as if something special awaits! Oh, an e-mail from the Irish board of naturalization My hand-written letter has been received. I will receive further correspondence by post. That makes no sense, but ok... Oh, facebook. Hurricane Sandy, that sucks... Hocus Pocus links... *gasp* I have to watch Hocus Pocus.
*watches Hocus Pocus...*
Today, Halloween, around 4 pm
Capt: Salty Meg is on facebook!
*talks to Salty Meg. Here are
the highlights*
Capt: I can't believe Wildwood is
underwater and OC has Sharks, and AC is being cleaned and I'm in Ireland where
I cannot make a bathrub into a watercraft and pilot through the buildings.
God-Damnit.
Salty: Fucking Herrocain. Halloween
has been cancled to a later date. :(
Capt: Nature has
stopped Halloween! That's worse than that one time when Halloween stopped
Christmas.. that year was pretty bad ass.
I better go get some kid’s candy soon…
*goes on irish forum
to see where trick-or-treating is in Galway.
About five minutes llater*
Capt: So I’m having a fight with an irish person in a
forum.
Salty: OMG lol. What about?
Capt: I asked when trick-or-treating
was and he got all angry and said it's called Halloweening. “Since when are we
American?” And he goes on about Americanizing Irish and loss of language. And I’m like: “Sorry dude, I'm an American.
When is Halloweening?” Now people are
coming to my defense about it not being ever called halloweening in their
lifetimes and someone described a sex act called Halloweening.
Salty: omgtellmewhatthe sexact is.
(excitement here is embellished by lack of spacebar function on Salty’s
machine...)
Capt: Halloweening involves
butterfingers and blowjobs. The giver
eats the butterfinger and then… blows?
That makes much more sense with peanut butter and chocolate than a candy
bar… Uhoh… Urban Dictionary just got involved
and…. It’s gross but funny and I’m not putting it on my blog because my mother occasionally
reads this.
Salty: Both gross and funny.
Capt: Just the same I think I better
go and fetch some candy in case I get kiddies
*But I don’t… I keep talking to Salty,
because she’s more fun than a sack of wet children dressed like Spiderman princesses.*
Capt: When I’m giving out candy, I’m telling
them my costume is a dead American writer, who is passing out candy and is
still living. I then plan on meticulously
explaining to every child who comes to the door also saying that I am going to
kill myself on Nov. 16th. That way when I go home to America I can traumatize
all the youngsters in my neighborhood.
Salty Meg: YES!!!!!!!!
Capt: When they ask Mad Jack where I
am, he’ll say, “she went home.” not
knowing what the kids think. Therefore
they will tell Mad Jack he’s in denial and I am dead. And I’ll come bck on April Fools and say to
everyone, “Mwahahaha. Best trick ever!”
*more talk on the
hurricane and boyfriends and other friendly issues.*
Salty: And that's why
I am housing a musical Halloween party in my brain. To salvage this holiday.
Capt:
*Dances in Devin's head* what my imaginary company at your imaginary
dance party isn't good enough. Whoot whoot!
*discos*
Fuck it. I'm in your head *Begins to
tango with a rose in her mouth, swirling around an invisible Lane and then
flying into the air on a cloud of glitter*
Salty:YES!!!
Capt: Wait where did all these cats
come from. Oh no! I'm being carried away by Devin's brain cats! AHHHHH!
Salty: Croudserfing Captain!!! aretheyfuzzyenoughfor you?
Capt: No. they are skeleton cats and they are eating
my hair! My lovely braids! I need to find a way out of Devin's
head before that get to my toes! Which of course are magical and will cause the
cats to explode.
Salty: use the exit door.
Capt: Well, I just feel dumb now. *I exit through
your ear drum. And now I'm growing to me
regular size and I'm sitting in the Starbucks next to you.*
Salty: That would be awesome.
Capt: Seriously. I like wish I had the
magic to make that happen. It'd be awesome... though the consequences for you
are terrifying. The government alone
would do horrible things to your brain to figure out how to use it and Facebook
as a travelling device.
About 4:30
Capt: Hold on, Meg.
Someone is knocking at me- SHIT! I
have trick of treaters... Shit monkies!
All I have is crappy adult chalk candy, which is sweet and tastes like
cloves and is delicious, but will ultimate disappoint children who do not have
the same advanced palate that adults do. SHIT!
I’m THAT ADULT. NOOOOOOOOO…
About 4:32
Capt: By, now. Happy Halloween kids. Shit! I refuse to be that adult! The angry man on the forum said it started at six... That gives me an hour and a half to get the best candy I can. To the Batmobile- oh wait, we left that in the U.S. To my sneakers.
So I walk to the college (half-hour walk remember) and I book it and I get plastic money from Mad Jack (because he's the treasurer, you see and Capt. can not be trusted with money) and I go to the bank, and I book it to the grocery store and I buy awesome candy, Twixes and Skittles, and Starbusts. Four bags for 7 euro; it's like being a pirate again. And I book it home.
And it's not 7:43 and I have a shit-ton of candy.
Not a single kid has shown up.
I blame twitter. The earlier kids were the spies, sent ahead to case the neighborhood and then using modern technology those little bastards told the world that I was a chalk-candy adult. Damn those children for not appreciating the effort I put into getting them candy! Damn them!
On the plus side... shit ton of great candy.
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